Previous Posts will follow after the end of this one Just keep scrolling
NEW SUPERMARKET The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more ....
> > Subject: So True! > > > An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male > buffalo with the other. > He says to the waiter:"Want coffee." > > The waiter says,"Sure, Chief. Coming right up." > He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. > The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the > buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter > everywhere and then just walks out. > > The next morning the Indian returns.He has his shotgun in one hand, > pulling another male buffalo with the other.He walks up to the > counter and says to the waiter."Want coffee." > > The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!We're still cleaning up your mess from > yesterday.What was all that about, anyway?"The Indian smiles and > proudly says: > > "Training for position in United States Congress: > Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean > up, disappear for rest of day.
----------------- June 29, 2007 Previous Posts will follow after the end of this one Just keep scrolling
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor.
Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests tea, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of tea and an assortment of cups -- porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite -- telling them to help themselves to the tea.
When all the students had a cup of tea in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the tea.
In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was tea, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the tea; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the tea. What we seek is in the tea, not the cups..........
Enjoy your tea!"
The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got >their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. > >Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look >toward sky, what you see?" > >The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." > >"What that tell you?" asked Tonto. > >The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically >speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies and potentially >billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. >Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the >morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and >insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day >tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" > >"You dumber than buffalo dung. It mean someone steal tent."
============================ Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep > moving. (Albert Einstein ) > > When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German > Ambassador: If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my > clothes, open my closet and show them my suits. (Albert Einstein) > > Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent > them. (Albert Einstein) > > The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. (Albert > Einstein) > > Imagination is more important than knowledge. (Sign hanging in > Einstein's office at Princeton) > > Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can > be counted counts. (Albert Einstein ) > > We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used > when we created them. (Albert Einstein) > > Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he > learned in school. (Albert Einstein) > > Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not > sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein
====================================== It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself fromtime to time, and this should help get you started.During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor askedthe Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, thenwe offer a teaspoon, a teacup & a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal personwould use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pullthe plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? -------------------------------------------------------- Hot dog, it's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee that she spilled in her lap.
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts that happened in the U.S. during 2006. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the "Stellas" for the past year: To kick things off the right way, there was a three-way tie for 5th place.
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas , was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
Also in 5th place is Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California - you knew California had to be in the list somewhere, right? - who won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
The last of the 5th Place winners was Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to subsist for eight -------- count 'em, 8! - days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching.
There are more...............
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the "Stellas" when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Grrrrr scratch, scratch.
Third Place went to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania , because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her tailbone (coccyx). The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Hang in there, there are only two more Stellas to go...............
Second Place : Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Finally, (may I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
this year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was
Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home - from an OU football game, no less - having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Don't look so incredulous. Remember, we're talking about Oklahoma here.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her - you are sitting down, right? - $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might buy a motor home.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: /bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>2029/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> /bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia/x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily>,/x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> form/x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/color>/bigger> er/x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> ly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily>
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet & Exercise is the key to weight loss./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Massachusetts /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily>executes last remaining conservative./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
Florida/x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger> /bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily>voters still having trouble with voting machines./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color> /x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/fontfamily>
A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door./smaller>/fontfamily>
It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls,/smaller>/fontfamily> career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across/smaller>/fontfamily> the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy/smaller>/fontfamily> life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to/smaller>/fontfamily> spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing/smaller>/fontfamily> could stop him./smaller>/fontfamily>
Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The/smaller>/fontfamily> funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old/smaller>/fontfamily> newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days./smaller>/fontfamily>
"Jack, did you hear me?"/smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of/smaller>/fontfamily> him I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said./smaller>/fontfamily>
"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were/smaller>/fontfamily> doing He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the/smaller>/fontfamily> fence' as he put it," Mom told him./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said./smaller>/fontfamily>
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make/smaller>/fontfamily> sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this/smaller>/fontfamily> business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me/smaller>/fontfamily> things he thought were important . . . Mom, I'll be there for the/smaller>/fontfamily> funeral," Jack said./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his/smaller>/fontfamily> hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no/smaller>/fontfamily> children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away./smaller>/fontfamily>
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to/smaller>/fontfamily> see the old house next door one more time./smaller>/fontfamily>
Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing/smaller>/fontfamily> over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house/smaller>/fontfamily> was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture,/smaller>/fontfamily> every piece of furniture . Jack stopped suddenly./smaller>/fontfamily>
"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said. "What/smaller>/fontfamily> box?" Mom asked./smaller>/fontfamily>
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I/smaller>/fontfamily> must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell/smaller>/fontfamily> me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said./smaller>/fontfamily>
It was gone.. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack rememberedit, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it./smaller>/fontfamily>
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said.. "I better/smaller>/fontfamily> get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."/smaller>/fontfamily>
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from/smaller>/fontfamily> work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required/smaller>/fontfamily> on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within/smaller>/fontfamily> the next three days," the note read./smaller>/fontfamily>
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and/smaller>/fontfamily> looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was/smaller>/fontfamily> difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr./smaller>/fontfamily> Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open/smaller>/fontfamily> the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands/smaller>/fontfamily> shook as he read the note inside./smaller>/fontfamily>
"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack/smaller>/fontfamily> Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped/smaller>/fontfamily> to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack/smaller>/fontfamily> carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold/smaller>/fontfamily> pocket watch./smaller>/fontfamily>
Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched/smaller>/fontfamily> the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:/smaller>/fontfamily>
"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."/smaller>/fontfamily>
"The thing he valued most was . . . my time"/smaller>/fontfamily>
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and/smaller>/fontfamily> cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his/smaller>/fontfamily> assistant asked./smaller>/fontfamily>
"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way,/smaller>/fontfamily> Janet, thanks for your time!"/smaller>/fontfamily>
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the/smaller>/fontfamily> moments that take our breath away,"/smaller>/fontfamily>
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true./smaller>/fontfamily>
1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for/smaller>/fontfamily> you./smaller>/fontfamily>
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way../smaller>/fontfamily>
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't/smaller>/fontfamily> like you./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> 4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep./smaller>/fontfamily>
5. You mean the world to someone./smaller>/fontfamily>
6. If not for you, someone may not be living./smaller>/fontfamily>
7. You are special and unique./smaller>/fontfamily>
8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come/smaller>/fontfamily> from it./smaller>/fontfamily>
9. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you/smaller>/fontfamily> most likely turned your back on the world./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> 10. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> 11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude/smaller>/fontfamily> remarks./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> 12. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much/smaller>/fontfamily> better when they know and you'll both be happy./smaller>/fontfamily> /smaller>/fontfamily> 13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they/smaller>/fontfamily> are great./smaller>/fontfamily>
MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will Massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, " Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow, " ;says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that.."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and t he parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
>A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage >bags with her, one in each hand. > >There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is >flying out of it onto the pavement. > >Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
>out of that bag..." > >"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can >still find some.. Thanks for the warning!" > >"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? >"Did you steal it?" > >"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the >parking lot of the football stadium. > >Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right >into my flower beds!" > >"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each >time someone sticks his little thingie through >The bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" > >"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. OK, good luck! >By the way, what's in the other bag?" > >"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
>> > Fore!!!
>> > Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for
>> their Saturday
>> > morning round of golf. It was their favorite
>> moment of the week.
>> > Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an
>> office in another
>> > city. It wasn't quite the same without him.
>> > A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day
>> she overheard
>> > the remaining three talking about their golf round
>> at the coffee
>> > table. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used
>> to play on my golf
>> > team in college and I was pretty good. Would you
>> mind if I joined
>> > you next week?'
>> > The three lawyers looked at each other. They were
>> hesitant. Not
>> > one of them wanted to say 'yes,' but she had them
>> on the spot.
>> > Finally, one of them said it would be okay, but
>> they would be
>> > starting pretty early, at 6:30 am . He figured
>> the early Tee-Time
>> > would discourage her immediately. The woman said
>> this might be a
>> > problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to
>> 15 minutes late.
>> > They rolled their eyes, but said this would be
>> > She smiled, and said, 'Good, then I'll be there
>> either at 6:30 or
>> > 6:45. She showed up right at 6:30 , and wound up
>> beating all three
>> > of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
>> She was a fun and
>> > pleasant person the entire round. The guys were
>> impressed! Back
>> > in the clubhouse they congratulated her and
>> happily invited her
>> > back the next week. She smiled, and said, 'Sure,
>> I'll be here at
>> > 6:30 or 6:45.
>> > The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday
>> morning. Only
>> > this time, she played left-handed. The three
>> lawyers were
>> > incredulous as she still managed to beat them with
>> an even par
>> > round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now
>> the guys were
>> > totally amazed, but wondered if she was just
>> trying to make them
>> > look bad by beating them left-handed. They
>> couldn't figure her
>> > out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem
>> to be showing
>> > them up, but each man began to harbor a burning
>> desire to beat her!
>> > The third week they all had their game faces on.
>> But this week she
>> > was
>> > 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable
>> because each was
>> > determined to play the best round of golf of his
>> life, to beat
>> > her. As they waited for her, they figured her
>> late arrival was
>> > some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she
>> showed up. This
>> > week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which
>> was a good thing
>> > since she narrowly beat all three of them.
>> However, she was so
>> > gracious and so complimentary of their strong
>> play, it was hard to
>> > hold a grudge against her. This woman was a
>> riddle no one could
>> > figure out!
>> > Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys
>> shaking their heads at
>> > her ability. They had a couple of beers after
>> their round which
>> > helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one
>> of the men could
>> > contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her
>> point blank, 'How do
>> > you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or
>> > The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's
>> easy. When my
>> > Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
>> ambidextrous. I have
>> > always had fun switching back and forth. Then
>> when I met my
>> > husband in college and got married, I discovered
>> he always sleeps
>> > in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly
>> habit. Right
>> > before I left in the morning for golf practice, I
>> would pull the
>> > covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing
>> to the right, I
>> > golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the
>> left, I golfed left-
>> > handed.'"
>> > All the guys on the team thought this was
>> hysterical. Astonished
>> > at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot
>> back, "But what
>> > if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
>> > She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
***?? _THE YEAR 1907_??**
***This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! *** ***The year is 1907. *** ***One hundred years ago *** ***What a difference a century makes! *** ***Here are some statistics for the Year **** ****1907**** :**
The average life expectancy ** was **47** years.*****
**Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.***
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.*
There were only 8,000 cars ** and only 144 miles*
*Of paved roads.*
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.*
The tallest structure in the world was the **_Eiffel_**_ _**_Tower_**!*
The average wage in 1907** was **22*** cents per hour.**
The average ** worker made between $200 and $400 per year*****
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.*
More than 95 percent of all births ** took place at */*/HOME/*/****
**Ninety percent of all doctors had ***/*/_NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!_/*/
*Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which*
*Were condemned in the press _AND_ the government as "substandard."*
Sugar cost **four*** cents a pound.**
Eggs were **fourteen*** cents a dozen.**
Coffee was **fifteen ***cents a pound.**
Most women only washed their hair **once** a month, and used*
*Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.*
**_Canada_*** passed a law that prohibited poor people from**
**Entering into their country for any reason.**
_Five leading causes of death _**_ were:_***
*1. Pneumonia and influenza
**3. ***Diarrhea ***
***4. Heart disease ***
**The American flag had 45 stars. ***
The population of **_Las_**_ Vegas_**_ _**_,_**_ _**_Nevada_***, was only 30!!!!**
**Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea***
**Hadn't been invented yet.**
**There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.***
**Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.*****
**Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.**
**Eighteen percent of households had at least***
**One full-time servant or domestic help.**
***There were about ****230**** reported murders in the **/*/_ENTIRE !
***Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.**
*/*/_IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH_/*/* **?*
> > Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:
> > >
> > > READ SLOWLY
> > >
> > > 1. A day without sunshine is like night.
> > >
> > > 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
> > >
> > > 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> > >
> > > 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> > >
> > > 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
> > >
> > > 6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
> > >
> > > 7. Depression is merely anger
> without enthusiasm.
> > >
> > > 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
> > > cheese in the trap.
> > >
> > > 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people
> > >
> > > 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> > >
> > > 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
> > >
> > > 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
> > >
> > > 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
> > >
> > > 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> > >
> > > 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
> > >
> > > 16. Hard work pays off in the
> future. Laziness pays off now.
> > >
> > > 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
> > >
> > > 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
> > >
> > > 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
> > >
> > > 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> > >
> > > 21. Inside every older pe rson is a younger person wondering,
> > > the heck happened?"
> > >
> > > 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all
> > > off.
> > >
> > > 23. Light travels faster than sound.
> That's why some people appear
> > > bright until you hear them
> > >
> > > 24. Life isn't like a box of
> chocolates; it's more like a jar of
> > > jalapenos. What you do today,
> might burn your ass tomorrow.
LOVE DRESS A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to seeher daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees mein this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put onher best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on thecouch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying t here soprovocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
----- FINALLY, A BLONDE JOKE TO END 'EM ALL ... A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The policewoman asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and got progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
>An elderly Jewish couple in London won twenty million pounds on the lottery.
>They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a
>magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all
>the material wealth imaginable.
>They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an
>agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their
>The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table
>for four, as they were inviting the Cohen's to lunch. The couple then
>left the house to do some shopping.
>When they returned, they found the table set for eight. Perplexed, they
>asked the butler why it was set for eight when they had expressly asked
>him to set it for four.
>The butler replied, "The Cohen's telephoned and said they were bringing
>the Blintzes and the Knishes."
============================================================= I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.
Then some of the birds turned mean:
They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quite,serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now lets see...our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: you child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English:
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
Colonoscopies areno joke, but these comments during the exam were quitehumorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. > > >> Every night after > > >> dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the > > >> Center to sit and > > >> ponder his accomplishments and long life. > > >> > > >> One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the > > >> garden. They begin to > > >> chat and before they know it, several hours have > > >> passed. After a short > > >> lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred > > >> and asks, "Do you > > >> know what I miss most of all?" > > >> > > >> She asks, "What?" > > >> > > >> "Sex!!" he replies. > > >> > > >> Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't > > >> get it up if I held > > >> a gun to your head!" > > >> > > >> "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a > > >> woman could just > > >> hold it for a while." > > >> > > >> "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his > > >> trousers, removes > > >> his manhood and proceeds to hold it. > > >> > > >> Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in > > >> the garden where > > >> they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold > > >> Harold's manhood. > > >> > > >> Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual > > >> meeting place. > > >> Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make > > >> sure he was O.K. She > > >> walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she > > >> found him sitting by the > > >> pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was > > >> holding Harold's > > >> manhood! > > >> > > >> Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What > > >> does Ethel have > > >> that I don't have?" > > >> > > >> Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's
Two men were driving on I-75 in Ohio when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK," the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Ohio, son," the trooper answered.
"When we pull you over in Ohio, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license-- e's clean and gives the guy his license back.
The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What the hell did you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say..... " I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled,
"We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free."
"They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us, and many work retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted,
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said,
They walk among us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They walk among us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They walk among us!
My sister has a life-saving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They walk among us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They walk among us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, they walk among us!
========================================= An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi~millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual,but continued on to the store. Returning, I witnessed the same sight with the same 6 old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me.
I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor'sReceptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?""There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied,"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
Te receptionist smiled smugly an asked, "Yes ??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
................... 2005 Darwin Awards.......................
The awards for these feats of amazement are mostly posthumously give to these recipients for helping to clean up the Gene Pool of humanity.
#12 According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.
#11 In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
#10 A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned" when he ran, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
#9 Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
#8 Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
#7 According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
#6 Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
#5Honorable Mention: In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
#4 In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
#3 Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
Runner Up: #2 TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me;on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
And The Winner: #1 Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed a constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "Shit Happens."
Soas not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebodycame up with this.
You know you're from California if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none arevisible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying a conversation in English. 4.Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5.You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 7. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 8. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 9. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really ISGeorge Clooney. 10. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 11. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." 12. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or Ipods. 13. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 14. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. 15.The Terminator is your governor. 16.If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what he was talking about.
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
you get three meals a day fully paid for
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
you get time off for good behavior
you get more work for good behavior
the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
you can watch TV and play games
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
you get your own toilet
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
they allow your family and friends to visit
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
you must deal with sadistic wardens
they are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!
Now get back to work.
To take this "test" slowly scroll down to each of the four questions being careful each time not to show the answer that follows the question until after you have given your answer.
There are 4 questions. Don't rush --- take your time and think through your answer as you would on any important decision.
This is for only my very brightest friends and/or relatives.
You'll enjoy this...Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animalsAttend... except one, which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will yo give me a calf ??
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves, " says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Democratic Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep. . .
Now give me back my dog.............
June 27, 2007
I am only sending this to my smart friends. I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer.
If you can figure out what these words have in common, you are a lot smarter than I am. Banana Dresser Grammar Potato Revive Uneven Assess
Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try . . .
You will kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard. OK . . . Here You Go . . . Hope You Didn't Cheat. This Is Cool.
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? Even if you did'nt don't worry Just send it to more people and stump them then you'll feel better too.
Telephone Call (((RING)))) **Pick Up** "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul " After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do. He's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't now that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731?? --------------------------------------------------------
Two men, Harry and Larry were hiking with a third man, Wally, through a forest outside the psychiatric hospital.
Wally was a long time patient because his intelligence IQ was tested to be below 20.
Harry and Larry were graduate scholar mental hygiene therapists who enjoy taking Wally and other patients through the trails as part of their therapy and enjoyment.
One day, they detoured by error and they came upon a large raging, violent river. Across the river, they saw where they were supposed to be and needed to get to that side.
Needing to get to the other side, Harry prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river"
Poof!.....God gave Harry big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, Larry prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"
Poof!......God gave Larry a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
As Larry rowed off into the river, Wally realized that he was left all alone with nothing to do. He did not know how to swim but he smelled the aroma from food on the other side of the river from the cafeteria. He looked around and saw that the river got narrow further up the river, he walked up the river where it narrowed, he saw a bridge and crossed the river.
Now on the other side, Wally decided to get a bite to eat, grabbed a lot of paper towels and found some rope. As he walked back, he waited for Larry to show up in the boat and helped tie him up with the rope he found.
When Harry finally swam into shore, Wally was there to give Harry the paper towels to help dry him off. He told Harry that he remembered the aides used towels to dry him off but he could not find any.
While Harry was drying himself off, Larry walked over to greet Harry’s arrival, and added, “glad to see you made it, I passed you about halfway across.”
Wally asked Larry, “Why didn’t you pick him up??”
There are too many people who are highly educated with no common sense, and those who supposedly are not smart and have the best common sense. Most times, they are not really dumb, they just see things differently.
Father O;Malley was an elderly priest, and he was speaking to Father Barnes, the younger priest who was assigned to his parish last year.. "That was a good idea of yours, to replace the first four pews with leather bucket theater seats, didn't it worked like a charm. Now the front of the church fills up first
The young priest smiled and nodded, and the old priest continued, "And when you suggested, we add a little more beat to the music, that it would bring the younger people back to church. it certainly did, and I supported you when you wanted to brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Our services are packed to the balcony every Sunday."
"Thank you, Father, thank you. " answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are so
open to new ideas, it has helped bringing back a lot of people, hasn't it?"."
The elderly priest nodded, "It has, there is no doubt about that. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with this drive-thru confessional."
"Father," protested the young priest, "You said yourself, you had never seen so many people going to confession before, and the donations have doubled since I began here!"
"Oh! They have...yes," replied the elderly priest, "And I appreciate all that you've done, . but,. I don't like that flashing neon sign you put up on the roof of the church, saying
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his CingularRAZRV3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation System to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Democrat Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
> Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
> As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?"
> The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!! -----------------------------------------
Not that I endorse any type of violence....
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside WashingtonDC . Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the holdup?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon." --------------------------------------------------
>> MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
>> A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
>> "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
>> machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
>> Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
>> outlined below when accessing their accounts.
>> After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
>> developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
>> MALE PROCEDURE:
>> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
>> 2. Put down your car window.
>> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
>> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>> 6. Put window up.
>> 7. Drive off.
>> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>> Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
>> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
>> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
>> the machine.
>> 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
>> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
>> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
>> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
>> excessive distance from the car.
>> 8. Insert card.
>> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
>> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
>> inside back page.
>> 11. Enter PIN.
>> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
>> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
>> 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
>> 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
>> 18. Re-check makeup.
>> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>> 21. Retrieve card.
>> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
>> slot provided!
>> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
>> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>> 25. Redial person on cell phone.
>> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>> 27. Release Parking Brake.
DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited. _______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. _______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. _______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. _______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
Two Mexicans are riding along /smaller>Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls./x-tad-bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/bigger>/color>/fontfamily>
The Mexican put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees./smaller>/color>/fontfamily> They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down./smaller>/color>/fontfamily> Sure enough the Highway Patrol pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Mexican eggs./smaller>/color>/fontfamily> The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible./smaller>/color>/fontfamily> The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers./smaller>/color>/fontfamily> "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they have managed to steal a motorbike already."
> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
> Both were very
> faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
> on the Bacardi Breezers.
> Incredibly drunk and
> walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
> One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
> her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather
> expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
> enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon
> on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
> After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next
> day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
> and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
> husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
> suspect the worst..
> my wife came home with no panties!!"
> "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
> stuck to her ass that said.....
> 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
> *Italian Wedding Night*
> Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she
> was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's
> house, she was a very nervous.
> Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.
> Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
> So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
> exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
> "Mama, Mama, Tony'sgot a big hairy chest."
> "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
> Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
> So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
> off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to
> her mother.
> "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
> "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
> upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
> So, uppa she went again. When she got ther, Tony took off his socks
> and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles!
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United State s crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $1789 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile
> > >
> > > P: Target radar hums.
> > >
> > > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> > >
> > >
> > > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > >
> > > S: Cat installed.
> > >
> > >
> > > And the best one for last..................
> > >
> > > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> > > pounding on something with a hammer.
> > >
> > > S: Took hammer away from midget.
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids; yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just plain stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid" replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
" Have a good day. "
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take..! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives..; I want to know how she feels inside.., what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: "Nothing's wrong".., and how I can make a woman truly happy..!"
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
A Riddle: On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."
President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove waswalking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can youanswer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove. "You may just have saved me my job!" So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you Dumb Shit !" shouted Bush. "The child was Tony Blair"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
================================================ Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut
off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2007 and
Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says "How da hekk vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
--------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ husband? > A: Tell him you're pregnant.
> Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? > A: Take off your glasses.
> Q: Why should 50+ folks use valet parking? > A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
> Q: Is it common for 50+ folks to have problems with short-term memory storage? > A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
> Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? > A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
> Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? > A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.
> Q: Where do 50+ folks look for fashionable glasses? > A: Their foreheads.
> Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ folks when shopping in antique stores? > A: "I remember these."
YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL THE MOMENT YOU PURSUE A WORTHWHILE GOAL"
> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
> wight loss program.
> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
> The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."
> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
> happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
> excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
> getting in better and better shape.
> Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
> discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
> "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
> The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,